sparkymat

Of late, an event occurred that disturbed me immensely for it defied logic and try as I may, I was unable to explain the incident in a logical manner. It happened a couple of days back. After lunch (in my bedroom, what with me being quarantined and all), I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I noticed that the mug was in the bowl of the toilet (and not in the bucket where it usually hangs out). It took a whole 2 seconds for this to sink in. For a split second, the part of my brain infested with primitive fears and base instincts jumped to the conclusion ‘Ghost!!’. However, the rest of my brain kicked in immediately and reasoned that there must be a logical explanation for this. As I washed my hands, I pondered on this strange incident. The bucket was at a much lower height than the toilet and even so, no wind strong enough could reach inside to blow it in. I certainly hadn’t dropped it in or left it on the shelf from where it might have fallen in. My mind raced searching for explanations, and panicking that it couldn’t find any. I had taken a bath an hour back and it was in the bucket then. How could it have moved on its own (apparently)? My theories started growing wilder and wilder. Maybe the handle snagged on my towel, and when I left the bathroom, dragged it into the toilet. I stopped. Ok, that sounded stupid even to me! It slowly dawned on me that the possible explanation was a very unsettling one, and no, it wasn’t one that shook my entire belief system. The most possible explanation was that I had accidentally knocked it into the toilet and didn’t even remember one bit of it. I staggered back as if hit physically. For those who wonder why, its because I have always suspected that I have memory issues, even complete lapses, but this, was something I was not prepared for. To forget incidents that occurred when I was half-asleep or distracted with work/hobbies was one thing, but to forget something in “broad daylight” when I was in my full senses (relatively speaking of course) was definitely scary. The words “short term amnesia” and “Alzheimer’s” marqueed across my brain. Think as I may, no other explanation made sense, and the pale, translucent, spooky ones were definitely not logical to me. Unsurprisingly, this incident left me disturbed for a while, until another memory lapse wiped this from my active train of thoughts till yesterday.

I was taking my regular afternoon shower, and once done with that, I set about cleaning the bathroom which mostly involved just Dettol-ing the floor and washing it away with scoops of water from the bucket. Once the floor looked relatively Dettol-free, I turned towards the door and was throwing the mug back when I stopped myself. I looked back incredulously at my hand which had aimed the mug at the toilet. Realization came crashing down on me. Damn! Me and my “complex reflexes”!! Not the first time that my so-called “acquired reflexes” have come back to bite me. The repetitive process of throwing back the mug once I was done, had slowly grown into an acquired reflex associated with turning to leave the bathroom. As such, the control for that passed to some other part of my brain which obviously had a dismal sense of aim. Hmm, or maybe there was nothing wrong with its aim since it was aiming right for the toilet bowl. Maybe there was something wrong with the logical circuits there. Bucket - container. Closet - container. Put mug container. See container. Throw at container. Sigh! The toilet just happened to be the nearer “container”. I don’t know if I should be scared or just resign myself to being a complex bundle of simple pieces trying to group together and pass itself off as an “intelligent” human being (homo complexio simplo sapius?)

Where does it come from, this quest, this need to solve life’s mysteries, when the simplest of questions can never be answered? Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we’d be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. But that’s not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here. Yet still we struggle to make a difference, to change the world, to dream of hope, never knowing for certain who we will meet along the way. Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain and triumph?

We dream of hope, we dream of change, of fire, of love, of death. And then it happens; the dream becomes real, and the answer to this quest, this need to solve life’s mysteries finally shows itself like the glowing light of the new dawn. So much struggle for meaning, for purpose. And in the end, we find it only in each other. Our shared experience of the fantastic and the mundane. The simple human need to find a kindred. To connect. And to know in our hearts… that we are not alone.

- Mohinder Suresh, Heroes - 123 - How to stop an exploding man

Immortality. The holy grail of existence. Many strive for it. Some attain immortality in the memory of others. I restrict my thoughts to biological immortality. Living forever. What if you could live forever?

Some would opine that living forever is a curse. You live on while those around you fade away. I feel that beyond a point, either one would become used to relations being transitionary or you remain detached from personal bonds. Since it is logical that the brain cannot contain an infinite amount of memories, older ones would start fading away as new ones take their place. Of course, special memories would take longer to fade away, and some may never fade away. It makes you wonder how a person’s perspectives on various aspects of life, change with time.

Love. How would love change with time? Let us assume that your partner is not immortal. How long would you live alone in the memory of someone who has passed on and will never come back again? I believe you would love again. Not that your former love(s) would be forgotten, but her/their memories wouldn’t/shouldn’t stop you from loving again. Now,what if your partner is immortal as well? Would the love the two of you have, fade with time? If the love was strong enough to survive and flourish for an ordinary person’s lifetime, why would it not endure forever? Of course, social institutes like marriage would become meaningless as our lives traverse the rise and fall of many civilizations. Having someone who stands with you always, as the world around you keeps on changing, would provide valuable companionship and relief in an everchanging existence. The relation would transcend all other bonds formed. The two would understand and know each other almost as well as they know themselves. They say that love is immortal, and I believe in that.

Power. Immortality is inevitably linked with power. “The power to rule the world”, so to speak. A day-to-day profession or the like, would soon become meaningless, prolly after a century or so. Once there is enough material wealth to sustain oneself comfortably or even luxuriously, then the need for work fades away. Believe me, you would have to be really dump if you don’t figure out how to become “rich” even after a few centuries. Thus material wealth would become of less importance. Depending on the psychological makeup of the person, they would probably pursue either knowledge or power (or other possibilities, these being the highest probable ones). I am fighting hard to supress any influences by fictional characters on my thoughts (notably Vandal Savage). If the person is possessed of sufficient intellect and cunningness, then it would only be a matter of time before he succeeds atleast partially, to rule the world. And time is something he would never run out of. However, this train of thought is severely affected by factors beyond biological immortality. If physical harm can still threaten the immortal’s life, then the future would be a lot bleaker, with people on power being under a crosshair almost perpetually. However, with sufficient cunningness, one can circumvent such weaknesses. One literary character that I can’t avoid thinking about in this context is that of Professor Moriarty. His “empire” was large and powerful, yet no one, except for Sherlock Holmes, figured out it was him at the center, controlling this vast empire of crime and curroption. Now imagine someone who has had centuries, or even millenia, to plan such an operation. No one would ever guess who the centre figure is until its too late. The web would extend globally, securing power through organizations and proxies until the time is ripe for the “King” to step in. Of course, this is just one of the possibilities and many more would present themselves depending on the intellect of the immortal.

Knowledge. The ocean. Knowledge would never exhaust, for the rate of new knowledge/information being formed, is much greater than the rate at which an immortal can intake them, atleast a Homo Sapien immortal. Having survived for ages and seen the rise and fall of civilizations, he would be uniquely placed in helping and providing information for the progress of science. Eventually, however, our quest would be for metaphysical knowledge. The secret of life. The existence of God. The meaning of existence. The pursuit of these, would easily take a lifetime, even the lifetime of an immortal. One day maybe these questions would be answered. If there is an answer, and if there is a chance of finding it, then given infinite time at your disposal, someday you would hit on the answer. The pursuit of knowledge alone can keep one occupied for eternity. All other wordly pleasures and pursuits would eventually fade away.

At some point or the other, possibly, we would feel the monotony and loneliness in living forever. However, most would find it in them to live on. The reason to live on? Varies with people. Love. Knowledge. Curiosity. Transient pursuits.

Desire. Doesn’t it always begin with desire? Once we start desiring something, we start thinking of it more, and if we don’t obtain the object of our desire, the desire level keeps stepping up.

Desire leads to wanting.
Wanting leads to longing.
Longing leads to craving.
And craving leads to obsession.

If Health is Wealth, then I guess I’ve been bankrupt for quite a while now. My sedentary, indolent life-style has ruined my health almost beyond repair. Or atleast I think it’s not yet beyond repair. So many resolutions have been made in this regard and all have gone down the /dev/null path. Eat less. Eat less meat. Walk more. Excercise daily. All these were decided upon readily but never adhered to. I guess this inertia of rest is an inherent character flaw of mine and would take a while weeding out. I mean I am not even able to finish coding a simple program!!! I stop that mid-way with ‘Why bother? It’s already done by someone else. I am wasting my time‘. I conveniently chose to ignore the fact that the purpose of writing it was to prove to myself that I can still code.

So with these thoughts in mind, I have decided to start making a change. I had given up on Linux earlier. I have decided to take it up again. I have decided that I should start learning again. I used to be known for my ability to learn stuff fast. I will re-kindle that. I have decided to devote more time to studying. With that, I hope to retard or even reverse my mental degradation.

About my body, I think it needs more immediate attention than my mind. For, the signs of decadence have been showing for quite a while now. The frequent back and neck aches, trouble climbing stairs, inability to walk beyond a mile - if I dont do something, “I’m going down“!

So with this blog entry, I mark yet another attempt to revitalize my mental and physical health. I hope, by bringing this to the attention of people, I would have someone prodding me to do this and do that. I am not sure this resolution would go too far without some external help.

*Sigh*